Keeping My Kids Accountable: The Change Process

 Dear Readers,

"I. need. you. to. make. a. change." are the six words I use as a parent and teacher to hold my kids accountable for negative behaviors at home and at school.

It took me many years to get here, but here's my story of how I verbally teach my kids the process of correcting a behavior  that negatively affects  our team or family.

For the first half of my teaching career (2006-2010), I had been taught to use behavior charts and incentives to  manage behavior or encourage desired behavior.  However, I was either defeated by BIG behaviors in my room by the end of the year and/or exhausted by the greediness of my students who just wanted me to give them more and more and more... to do less.

The sixth year of teaching I was trained in PBIS and introduced to "flipping my chart" to explicitly focus on a few positive expectations and give attention to the kids who were following the rules.  Again, I would constantly reward them for  behaving with bucks and class store incentives.  I really enjoyed giving attention to the students who were following directions, however, I learned that... 

I CAN'T MAKE THE STUDENTS WHO DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE-  actually behave.

In practicing positive PBIS language like "I like the way _____ is ______.", I would try to use my attention towards a peer's behavior to influence a misbehaving child to correct his or her behavior.  However,  if the misbehaving child already struggled socially to make friends or doesn't care about anyone else, it always seemed to set the misbehaving student off to either misbehave more intensely or misbehave more often.

That is where I left teaching in 2012 and stayed at home raising two kids and ministering to high school students for four years.

(2012-2016)  Working with high school students through addiction, social conflict, depression, anxiety, and trauma, opened my eyes to the heart work  behind all behavior and actions.  In fact, I had an "aha" moment in my fourth year of parenting when I was trying to keep up with two sticker charts for my oldest kids and I was feeling guilty about not having room in my schedule to actually take them to the movies and camping.  Slowly, the misbehaviors started to come back.

I realized I didn't teach them anything!

In 2019,  with four kids at home (ages 5-6 months), my husband and I  turned to Janet Lanesbury for a different approach to parenting and read her book,No Bad Kids:  Toddler Discipline Without Shame.  

It opened my eyes to the whole shaming process that affects children with how we discipline - primarily in how I talk to them when disciplining.

 Simultaneously, my administration was mandating all classroom teachers to drop all public displays of behavior management- so no clip charts, or public displays of individualized management systems.  They wanted us to use more restorative practices, morning meetings, and mindfulness in the classroom.  My behavior expectations were already relationship-based and positive so the transition to restorative ways of managing my classroom was a lot easier than many of my colleagues.  I had already given into social emotional learning, morning meetings, and mindfulness as strategies I pull out of my teacher tool box when needed.

However, the biggest factor of  SUCCESS with my restorative practices was my PART management system.  

 PART means...

Being Prepped and Ready

Having Attitude Awareness

Being Respectful and Responsible

Having Teamwork

The "Being" expectations are more actionable.

The "Having" expectations are more internal or mindset-based.

It's a wholistic social emotional learning accountability system. 

 I published my book, When Relationships Matter:  A Socio-emotional Approach to Teaching and Learning,  to share my story in creating the approach because it models how I was raised to be in relationship with others from my Filipino family.

SO, in the system..

We- teachers, students, and parents- refer to ourselves as partners of learning- and that is how we identify with each other in our community.

In 2019, the newest thing I needed to navigate around PART was a more verbal process of correction when misbehaviors occurred publicly.  

So, I invented the change process.  At home, I only have five kids- so verbal prompting is enough.  However, in the classroom, I've had numbers of students from 16-24.  I do need something tangible to "remind" the student that they are (1) in a partnership with me and (2) are held accountable to their actions within the community throughout the day.  

I've used this as a teacher of a classroom and even as a substitute teacher for the day.

(*Long story short, but last year was a wreck!  I changed jobs three times due to family quarantines, my husband's job change, and my children's schooling.  So, I was a TA for a few months to honor school privileges for my two children to attend the school but, due to shortages, I was just a substitute teacher  in many different classrooms.  I finally transitioned back to a classroom teacher job mid-year last year once my children moved to a more stable schooling option.)

I have used PART and this change process every where I go from now on...

(2020-present)

Establishing the process looks something like this.

1.  I always start with  the "role" talk defining our relationship in the classroom.  

"Hi my name is  Mrs. Goins. I am your teacher today.  As your teacher, my job is to teach in your room.  You all are my students.  Your job as a student is to learn.  Together, we can do our jobs to learn and be our best today!

So, working together implies that we are in relationship we each other.  I call this relationship a partnership.  I expect four things in our partnership:  being prepped and ready; having attitude awareness, being respectful and responsible; and working like a team.  We are a team of humans- not robots-so mistakes or distractions will happen.  I am giving each of you this ______ (post it note or rubber band with a student number) as a reminder of who you are as a partner.  *The numbers are assigned by where your name is located on the class roster because I don't know everyone's name yet- but if I assign you all a number- everyone is included in the process.

I continue to say: "Do you part and keep your bracelet.  If you have your post it note or bracelet at the end of the day- congratulate yourself on protecting your learning today!  This <<tangible item>> is your accountability to your own actions.  If I, as the teacher, need you to fix something, I'll kindly ask you to make a change.  That's my verbal reminder to correct something, but I'll only ask once.

If the change hasn't been made even after the reminder, I will ask you, the student, to give me their bracelet or post- it note to hold on to until that change is made. 

 *The action of physically giving me their <<tangible item>> is more of a physical response to remove themselves from the negative action and return with a direct choice to "make the change" happen-for themselves.  I always encourage the child through the process by saying something like " I know you can do it.  You are BETTER than that.  Make the change please." 

Then, I wait for that change to happen-looking  for opportunities to "catch" the student in the act of making the necessary change.

2.  A Change Bucket or Spot for the teacher.  

Managing the work while teaching is the hardest part of keeping the students accountable to this process. So, for my eyes only, I do have a spot on my desk or a small bucket with a triangle (because delta means change) on it that symbolizes  the change process.  

I discipline myself to check the spot or bucket every lesson transition to  either remind a student to make the change by saying again, "You can do it.  You got this." *assuming it is an action already taught and known. 

OR

In most occasions, I am checking the bucket to give a rubber band or post it note BACK to a child saying- Thank you for making the change. 

 *This is a physical and verbal exchange that reintegrates the student back into full community.  

It's so rewarding to hear these little kindergarteners say back to me, "You're welcome Mrs. Goins." because I know they know we are in relationships together.  They understand the concept that their actions affect us all- as a team.  

It's mind-blowing to witness and be a part of!

**DISCLAIMER****

This system of change only works in the context of a classroom built on authentic relationships built on trust, mutual respect, and responsibility. 

I teach my students how to care for  me (the teacher), themselves, and their peers in the context of our class community.

Without PART, my students would not fully understand my why behind disciplining them and they would go into more of a fight or flight state of mind.  

 Restorative practices are about relationships, reconciliation, and repair.  So, I have a lot of restorative supports that are normalized in my classroom.  Some of these supports include:

Restorative talks during morning meeting-we leave space each day in our morning meeting to talk about our class grows, glows, and any interpersonal issues that have to be addressed within our community before starting our "learning" that day.

We do restorative circles to address conflicts  with the offender and the victim.  I teach my students how to engage in conversation with each other in conflict and make sure all parties are properly cared for before we move on with the next task in our schedule. 

Also, we are about reintegration-meaning that we don't hold guilt or shame over any offender in our room.  We don't alienate others- we include others.  Our goal is to be a team  with all partners in the room.  We know that ALL humans are not perfect so we normalize differences, mistakes, and accommodations.  When we deal with major behavioral conflicts that could be threatening or dangerous to community members, we talk about it.  Then, we respond verbally in this manner:

  _____ is still learning.  

That is okay.  

We love ____ and we will give ___ time and space to figure it out. 

My job (as the teacher) is still to keep us all space.  Can you trust me to do that job?

 ____ will join us when ____ is ready.

When I started normalizing healthy relationships in my classroom, it became more of an organic progression to include reconciliation and repair as part of the "sustaining the relationship" process- especially through Covid.  

I see the need of it at home in relationship with each of my own children.  However, I see it more and more each passing year on the primary and elementary levels of schooling-post Covid.    

Teachers and parents are burnt out on misbehavior.

Perhaps, I can help.

I delight in this restorative work with young kids as a mom and primary teacher.   

It's been so life-giving to me and a huge contributor to my work life balance at school.  If you want to learn more about this practice and my methods, join my email list here.  

I branded myself the Resilient Teacher Mom because I have been resilient in the changes through Covid in my personal and professional life.  I am relationships-first minded always in everything I do.

I am determined to share better ways to discipline and raise young children for better personal well-being and mental health.  I reside with my husband, Ben , and our five children (ages 9 to 2) in Virginia.  Outside of teaching, family, and business, I am a 3rd year doctorate student in Educational Leadership K-12 and a bargain shopper extraordinaire.  I love shopping the grocery sales and thrift stores/bargain retail stores to make up cool meals and outfits.  

I pride myself in not being normal in most spaces and try to teach my personal kids about (1) the power of being true to themselves in all relationships and spaces and (2) the importance of a kind heart.

I hope to connect with you soon!

With Love. Always,

Crystal