Cope to Hope: Day 2 Our First Monday
Death brings on a new awakening in your soul huh?!?
Not the "a ha" moment you would all thrill about- but the rationalization or realization that our world is not too kind.
Yes. We've known. But- death brings it home in a very invasive, concrete way.
Take a breathe. Your feelings and thoughts are not wrong. This world does suck a lot at times.
Pain and suffering is real. Sin pollutes our earth.
Many of you already know this, but death rocked my world just before I was 22- first week of grad school- when my best friend, Stephanie, had passed from a heart attack. This is far back in the day before I knew Jesus and Facebook had just come up and running. I had a flip phone then and when you had an emergency call, you had a flashing red light by the phone number. Thoughts rushed in my head- thinking it was my dad cause that's the only person I knew who was remotely sick. Then, as I called to hear it was Steph- I just LOST it hysterically in disbelief- WHY???
Similar to Kaitlyn and Sabrina, my Stephanie was taken when she was at her prime- probably her highest point of life- that she was ever privileged with- which made it worse to think about. Stephanie had a rough road in college- raped her freshman year which led to a relapse in bulimia and a heroine overdose and eventually rehab. But the summer before she died, she came out of rehab hopeful, cooking for herself and keeping healthy, and even engaged to be married. In fact, I purchased my bridesmaid dress weeks before she died and she had just bought a SECOND wedding dress (which drove her mom crazy), but life was good to her at the current moment of time.
My life has never been the same since then and, as the weeks, months, and years pass- it continues to be a healthy awakening of what I value in life and how I want to live it.
Fast forward to now...I see the same awakening at this time now ( in my own heart- but also the seeds of it in your hearts as well) and only cause I've experienced it before- I am quicker to bypass the WHYs of it all to the part where I ask myself what I value in life and how do I want to live it.
Before I move past the WHYs stewing in your heart- since a lot of you are still at that point- I want to love you and tell you- why you ask the WHYs.
By your stage of life, you never stop to ask WHY unless something has gone wrong. In minor incidents, asking WHY would just be a catalyst to unwanted drama or unneeded emotions. However, in death, WHY is the beginning of hard change and deep emotion.
Asking WHY will lead you to places of fear and insecurity, but I don't want you to scare or shy away from that. Facing your inner fears and insecurities head on is a detox to the soul. In loving memory of our girls, it is a way to better and take care of ourselves- an opportunity to awaken our souls to new life.
The unhealthy way of dealing with the WHYs of this process is deflecting it in anger towards the WHOs in this world that have wronged them, wronged you, or, you just don't like. It's important to put in perspective that no one is perfect and sin pollutes the hearts of all mankind- henceforth, we are more prone to mistakes than right living.
After you heal through the WHYs you start reflecting on what you value in life and how you want to live it. Well, don't be scared if (1) it takes time to process (open your eyes and be observant- dialogue honestly with yourself) and (2) don't be scared to chase after it (even if it's one minor choice at a time). The little things add up after a while. The minor choices become habitual. The days turn into years.
Some of you aren't ready for this, but you know I have always been honest with you guys. I have always loved you however you felt about God and will always love if your thoughts never change.
However, personally, moving from the WHYs stage to the living stage is when I met Jesus. I couldn't do it and still can't do it without Him. Facing death in a personal way made the choice for me that life was NEVER going to be the same. I could live my plan and tried to for about a year and a half, but on shaky ground. Fear and insecurity was slowly boxing me in and I never felt myself. Also, once you've had the "death" awakening, it's almost like a loss of innocence. Your eyes are more open and you see it more around you. Back then, it showed itself when my ex-boyfriends dad died of a heart attack months after Stephanie and my sorority sister a year later. With this tragedy, my classmate from high school's husband died in a raid in Somalia and, on Saturday, our neighbor's mom passed away that morning.
The more and more you see death around you- the more and more you grow into fear and insecurity. Without Jesus, I can spend most of my life is DAZE- like murky water.
But if you ever get to that point, you just text me and let me know. I'll call you- listen- and pray for you- even if you aren't strong enough to pray or talk to God yourself.
Now, Sabrina, you've made it past death, but I struggle (especially as the days pass) what life is going to be when you wake up. Man, it's been a "coming to Jesus" moment to me because I opened my Bible this morning and read it after busy weeks of neglecting it- all because I need Him so I can be strong for you. I've experienced loss before, but not this consistent waiting of life. I am thankful I have not lost you yet and vow to fight alongside you- but that's the only way I know how. It just dawned on me yesterday that you will never be the same when you awake. So, I do mourn the old memories I have of you, but anxiously await the day we get to make new ones.
With Love. Always.
Crystal
Not the "a ha" moment you would all thrill about- but the rationalization or realization that our world is not too kind.
Yes. We've known. But- death brings it home in a very invasive, concrete way.
Take a breathe. Your feelings and thoughts are not wrong. This world does suck a lot at times.
Pain and suffering is real. Sin pollutes our earth.
Many of you already know this, but death rocked my world just before I was 22- first week of grad school- when my best friend, Stephanie, had passed from a heart attack. This is far back in the day before I knew Jesus and Facebook had just come up and running. I had a flip phone then and when you had an emergency call, you had a flashing red light by the phone number. Thoughts rushed in my head- thinking it was my dad cause that's the only person I knew who was remotely sick. Then, as I called to hear it was Steph- I just LOST it hysterically in disbelief- WHY???
Similar to Kaitlyn and Sabrina, my Stephanie was taken when she was at her prime- probably her highest point of life- that she was ever privileged with- which made it worse to think about. Stephanie had a rough road in college- raped her freshman year which led to a relapse in bulimia and a heroine overdose and eventually rehab. But the summer before she died, she came out of rehab hopeful, cooking for herself and keeping healthy, and even engaged to be married. In fact, I purchased my bridesmaid dress weeks before she died and she had just bought a SECOND wedding dress (which drove her mom crazy), but life was good to her at the current moment of time.
My life has never been the same since then and, as the weeks, months, and years pass- it continues to be a healthy awakening of what I value in life and how I want to live it.
Fast forward to now...I see the same awakening at this time now ( in my own heart- but also the seeds of it in your hearts as well) and only cause I've experienced it before- I am quicker to bypass the WHYs of it all to the part where I ask myself what I value in life and how do I want to live it.
Before I move past the WHYs stewing in your heart- since a lot of you are still at that point- I want to love you and tell you- why you ask the WHYs.
By your stage of life, you never stop to ask WHY unless something has gone wrong. In minor incidents, asking WHY would just be a catalyst to unwanted drama or unneeded emotions. However, in death, WHY is the beginning of hard change and deep emotion.
Asking WHY will lead you to places of fear and insecurity, but I don't want you to scare or shy away from that. Facing your inner fears and insecurities head on is a detox to the soul. In loving memory of our girls, it is a way to better and take care of ourselves- an opportunity to awaken our souls to new life.
The unhealthy way of dealing with the WHYs of this process is deflecting it in anger towards the WHOs in this world that have wronged them, wronged you, or, you just don't like. It's important to put in perspective that no one is perfect and sin pollutes the hearts of all mankind- henceforth, we are more prone to mistakes than right living.
After you heal through the WHYs you start reflecting on what you value in life and how you want to live it. Well, don't be scared if (1) it takes time to process (open your eyes and be observant- dialogue honestly with yourself) and (2) don't be scared to chase after it (even if it's one minor choice at a time). The little things add up after a while. The minor choices become habitual. The days turn into years.
Some of you aren't ready for this, but you know I have always been honest with you guys. I have always loved you however you felt about God and will always love if your thoughts never change.
However, personally, moving from the WHYs stage to the living stage is when I met Jesus. I couldn't do it and still can't do it without Him. Facing death in a personal way made the choice for me that life was NEVER going to be the same. I could live my plan and tried to for about a year and a half, but on shaky ground. Fear and insecurity was slowly boxing me in and I never felt myself. Also, once you've had the "death" awakening, it's almost like a loss of innocence. Your eyes are more open and you see it more around you. Back then, it showed itself when my ex-boyfriends dad died of a heart attack months after Stephanie and my sorority sister a year later. With this tragedy, my classmate from high school's husband died in a raid in Somalia and, on Saturday, our neighbor's mom passed away that morning.
The more and more you see death around you- the more and more you grow into fear and insecurity. Without Jesus, I can spend most of my life is DAZE- like murky water.
But if you ever get to that point, you just text me and let me know. I'll call you- listen- and pray for you- even if you aren't strong enough to pray or talk to God yourself.
Now, Sabrina, you've made it past death, but I struggle (especially as the days pass) what life is going to be when you wake up. Man, it's been a "coming to Jesus" moment to me because I opened my Bible this morning and read it after busy weeks of neglecting it- all because I need Him so I can be strong for you. I've experienced loss before, but not this consistent waiting of life. I am thankful I have not lost you yet and vow to fight alongside you- but that's the only way I know how. It just dawned on me yesterday that you will never be the same when you awake. So, I do mourn the old memories I have of you, but anxiously await the day we get to make new ones.
With Love. Always.
Crystal
Comments
Post a Comment