Cope to Hope Day 3 Survived Monday? Yes. But I could use a boost.

We made it through Monday.  Whooo.  That was hard stuff.  It had the mundane feel of a normal day but wandering moments of silence and sadness-  it was just hard.  But congrats, friends, we made it one day.

I post this picture because this is about all the light I can handle right now.  A candle (LED on timer of course- since we have babies) for each of your girls- Kaitlyn and Sabrina.  Kaitlyn I light your candle specifically for your family and the hope they are still seeking in your absence.  Sabrina, I light this for you in hopes that you will wake up.

I post this picture because this was the JOY I had today... kind of crazy huh????

I really saw it as a gift from God- a cloudy day- and I anticipate the rainy days to come.  

Some of you are probably so confused, but if you are in a state of mourning like I am-  you would get what I am feeling.

I'm a pretty positive, outgoing person naturally and that will never change.  However, my heart is only at 80% even though 110% is my usual norm.  I'm grown (33 yrs. old  to be exact) so I can be blatantly honest about it without hesitation.  I'm not ashamed of my mourning heart and I felt the cloudy day and the rainy days to come is God telling me its okay that I'm hurting and it's okay that things don't go back to normal just yet.  Thank you God- at least you get me.

To mourn deeply comes when you love deeply.  I don't think God is immune or untapped with what real love and real mourning feels like.  

For you girls, my heart wasn't just broken-  it got shattered.

 And, if this was a huge ligament/ muscle tear, no one in their right mind would strap a bandage on it and the next three days say- "Now, get back in the game."

Everyone needs a recovery time and, in death, with people you deeply love-  your recovery time is called mourning.

According to Dictionary.com, to mourn is to feel or express sorrow and grief.

Grief is defined as a keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

BINGO- I admit to both wholeheartedly.  

Best advice for today- if this is you- admit to it and be okay with yourself.  That is where healing is found.  Technically, it's not Tuesday quite yet, but I needed some mental ammo to get me through tomorrow.

Hi, My name is Crystal Goins and I am mourning.  Whoo.  That felt good.

I need some time. I may need some space and I need God to lead my thoughts and motivate me to  do the mundane.  Maybe tomorrow I'll make it to 82% and the day after that drop down to a low of 75% of feeling "myself"- but who cares.  I will take each day freely knowing that, through Jesus, God will carry me.

On a brighter end note, when my mind wonders, it's almost like elevator music popping in my head.  But I thought of this OOLLLDDD song that I loved with a raspy voiced jazz singer and a trumpet.  I finally tracked my song down (through google of course) and it ended up being a love song- that was not applicable to you, Sabrina, since I don't dream of kissing you (that would be weird)- but it led me to this song which is so applicable to our Cope for Hope group.

I leave you with Louis Armstrong's You'll Never Walk Alone 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cYt1fXdp5w

Here's the lyrics for all my non- video watchers.

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark (bird)

[Chorus]
Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams
Be tossed and blown
Walk on
Walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

[Chorus]

Sab so Fab- Love you girl.  Kaitlyn, Smile for us all.

With Love. Always,

Crystal