Raising Up My Kids in Matters of the Heart over Matters of the Mind With Discipline

Dear Readers-

Oh, how motherhood… has changed me. 

UNAVOIDABLY, it changes.me.constantly. each.and. every.day

My second year returning back to work was my first year in half day kindergarten.  In my AM session, I encountered  MY match:  the hardest kid I have ever taught- at least in my teaching career . 

 I won’t go into details because I want to respect the kid and his family, but it was REACTIVE, VIOLENT, VOLITILE, and UNPREDICTABLE.  

As you can guess…It was nothing academic- ALL behavioral.  

That’s when I started to shift my thinking towards matters of the heart vs. matters of the mind in terms of discipline.

I’ve been taught in my own childhood and even in teaching school that you direct children to the right behavior or choices.  Basically, you tell them what to do and they should do it. If they don’t do it, you give them a consequence. Then, Repeat.

Well, that worked for awhile until it just didn’t work anymore.

In my head, I was SCREAMING- why aren’t you working??? 

This AGE. OLD. System should work cause it has worked in the past.

What happened???

Enter in the SMARTER world.  I talked about the SMARTER world in the last post because it’s just a new SOCIETAL Norm.  It’s the *shiny* in the mundane.  When you want something done, you do it the SMARTER way.  That way 100 things can be finished in the same amount of time it would have taken you to finish 1 thing in the real world. Haha. I’m over-exaggerating, but you get the picture.

Well, when I look at my own kids- (who are developmentally back to back in stages)- and I think about my boy noted above, I question whether they struggle BECAUSE they live in a world where their minds are constantly in- INFORMATION OVERLOAD-.

Their poor hearts. just. can’t. keep up.

Do they know what’s important to them?  Do they know feelings are normal?  Do they know how to cope and react to feelings when they arise because, in every human, they do arise?

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on behavior lately to better equip myself as a teacher and a mom.  I’ve read about some approaches to severe behaviors like defiance. I have books on positive discipline and even books on how to motivate children and even adults in the work place.  My husband and I, personally, love the author Janet Lanesbury.  She wrote the book “No Bad Kids- Toddler Discipline Without Shame.”  

We have been currently working on Wyatt with tantrums and she taught both Ben and I how to process our thoughts about it in our heads and respond to them with our words.  

We listen.

We validate feelings before even telling them any commands.

We still tell them healthy boundaries-  “I can’t let you hit your brother” but we do so with a calm tone- holding him off if needed. 

She taught us that misbehavior can’t be taken personally. All my kids are really young- 5, 3, 1, and 7 months and they are just in the peak stages of self-discovery.  I can tell when each of them are changing from one stage to another.  Sometimes, it manifests in physically, violent tantrums; rude talk; or screaming.  Sometimes, it looks like moments of withdrawal, bickering, and/or whining/crying. 

It really doesn’t matter how it comes out- they each want the same thing

SECURITY.

SUPPORT.

LOVE.

That’s the HARDEST part for my husband and I to manage well. consistently. for . all . four. kids.- but, we try anyways.

Thinking in our heads that our kids are just asking for help lightens the blow A LOT and knowing- I. CAN’T. CONTROL. EVERYTHING.- takes the rest of the stress off my shoulders.

In Essence, the hearts of our kids have to be tended to. It’s a non-negotiable in our house.   Their hearts need attention and growth BEFORE behavior modifications because the world is so confusing AND conflicting.

Now, I find myself listening and questioning before correcting and directing.  I say things like be brave, have courage, and, of course, YOU CAN DO IT.  

When they have conflicts with each other, I ask them- does that hurt or help his/her heart? And, I let them know whenever possible- (BLANK- Name of activity or stuff) is NOT more important than your heart.  Also, in conflict, I ask “Are you taking care of (BLANK- Insert Name of person)’s heart?”

*Disclaimer-  those exact sayings aren’t from Janet’s book but that’s just what we have chosen to say since we learn about the heart with the Bible as well*

BOTTOM LINE:

I am enjoying the “heart” changes of the WHOLE family.  

I have seen some real growth relationally between us especially with Wyatt. 

      He was throwing tantrums because he couldn’t talk much and tell us what he wanted.  We saw something similar with Reagan growing up, but his were more violent and physical.  Actually, his reactions reminded me of my student I described at the beginning of the post.  As a mom, I, of course, panicked and tried all of my OLD approaches.  None worked.  So, I sought out to learn a new way.

The Results:

Now, he asks for hugs when he is frustrated or just wants attention.  

He MAY start a physical tantrum but it whines down quicker than before.  Also, he is beginning to self- regulate.  He has even (unpromptedly) came up to his big brother to apologize and hug about something he has done wrong.

Mind you- He's almost 2  and that's amazing!

It’s been such a relief seeing him LEARN how to grow and change that we use the method on ALL our kids now.  

Because it’s mostly verbal, Wyatt is talking SO much better which has been an added BONUS.

Plus, WE get the benefit of our hearts changing WHILE witnessing how THEY LOVE.  I get a renewed belief in humanity watching them. I feel HOPE is REAL and I grow more okay with dreaming BIG about my kids’ futures- both in my home and in the classroom.

Again, Thank you Jesus.

With Love. Always,

Crystal