To ALL the Young People I Know and Love

Dear Young friends,

 You. know.who. you. are.

Whether I led you in high school  as your young life leader; worked with you as a team member; or had you over at the house.... this post it for you.

I. THINK. OF. YOU. OFTEN.

Not in a creepy, nosy way- just a steady wondering of your heart.

I think back to when I was fresh out of high school-  18 years ago.  I was heading to Virginia Tech for the five year program to get my bachelors and master's degree to teach.  I had always dreamed of being a teacher, so getting in the program felt like I had hit it big.  I figured my dream was met the moment I got the acceptance.

Don't give me too much credit for picking VA Tech or the five year program.  I did apply to other schools, but I picked Tech as my number one choice because I didn't want to start over alone.

Patricio, my older brother, was already going to Tech and I wanted to be there with him.

So, it all worked out.  I got in the school I wanted.  I got to be with my brother and he was already plugged into campus- so, I was easily plugged into friends socially outside of my classes.

This type of freedom felt good and it felt new and exciting.

By mid freshman year of college, I had new friends all over-  some from the Asian organizations on campus, some hall mates, and even some from my teaching classes.

Quickly, my motives behind everything in college became social. 

 From studying to eating, it became more about who I was doing it with rather than just what I was doing.

I think back and laugh because I didn't even recognize how consumed I was with this concept because I was still doing the "right" things.  

Like everybody in college, I had made my fair share of mistakes, but, know, I didn't do anything freakishly crazy in comparison to others.  I just gave into the same pressures of fitting in, dating, and "looking/playing" multiple parts.

Oh. the. parts. I. played. all. at. the. same. time.

Well, let's see.

I was president of an organization, officer of my sorority, gallery attendant, nanny, girlfriend, friend, suite mate, roommate, hip hop dance team member, scholarship group member, and then- student.

I put student last because, with every passing semester, I grew less interested in making the BEST grades and more interested in getting by.  No- I did not fail any of my classes, but I knew I would get into my graduate program with a GPA of 3.0, so 3.0 (nothing higher) was my goal.  In the end, I knew I just wanted the degree to get me the job and that's the only reason why I showed up to class.

Outside of that, my heart was more plugged into the social benefits of figuring myself out and finding out what I want and who I was.

Well, fast forward, to 13 years post college (both undergrad and graduate school) I have the career I dreamed of, my man/husband, and my kids.  

I would have liked to say all my hard work "playing the part" and figuring things out on my own  helped me get to where I am today.

But-  it really didn't.

When I look back at the days when I had "it all figured out" and was filling my schedule up with all good things of work, leadership opportunities, networking events, socials, and etc. to build me up as what I thought was going to be the best version of myself for the future, I see now how I was more and more lost- just eager to keep searching.

This is what I really learned through that season of life.

 Pain is real and a broken heart is not easy to mend.

Many people refer to college as the best years of their lives because it's the only time in life you are given such freedom.

What are you doing with your freedom?  How does your freedom feel?

For me, I can finally admit that it felt like crap, A LOT of the time, but...

Bottom. Line. I. GOT. WHAT. I. WANTED. AND. I. ACCOMPLISHED. WHO. AND. WHAT. I. WANTED. TO. BE.

After college, I got my dream job and thought all the pain and hard work was worth it.  But, I easily realized (*quickly realized) the pain and hard work was far from over.  I struggled through my first year of teaching.  Shoot, I struggled the last nine years of teaching and am just feeling comfortable with my profession.

Marriage wasn't any easier.  Dating Ben was exciting and fun for the year and a half we were together.  However, marriage with Ben, was hard from wedding planning on.  We didn't always have a say on where life was taking us and we didn't always agree in times when we did have a say.  That's the constant conflict of marriage.  Now, 10 years down the road, I can finally say I enjoy my marriage 100xs more than our dating life and I grow more and more in love with him each passing day.  

Kids.  Well, that's its own topic.

If you feel like you don't have time for yourself now, wait until you have kids.

They need attention. all day everyday.

And, they have no regards to being convenient within your schedule.

Well, let's get back to my wondering of your hearts...

 Is this type of dilemma that  I struggled with 18 years ago-  in your heart too?

If it is, 

1.  I write this post so you know you aren't crazy.

2.  I write this post so you know you aren't alone.

3.  I write this post so you know that Jesus is waiting for you.

I went to Catholic School K-12 and was pretty religious and active with God in my life.  When I had the sense of freedom in college, my reliance of God in my life stopped.  He was no where present with each passing year and I was more wrapped up in myself- my own ambitions and abilities.  

To be Honest:  After 13 years of schooling on Him, I thought  I knew all I could know.

Bottom Line:  I wanted to know other things.  

The more I found out.  The less I was interested in who He was and more interested in who I could be.

Post college, Post starting my career, post marriage, post having kids, post young life leading, post home buying, post (enter in label of life accomplishment), I have come to know that JESUS is the only good truth worth "buying" into.

  Who He calls me to be- is my best fit in this world.

 Each day, he is the filter to my freedom and I'm living life MOST free.  

Those previous thoughts of who I thought I wanted to be in college and what I wanted my family to look like, well- a lot of that has passed-  because my motives behind some of those things were just stupid and wrapped up in insecurity.  

Almost daily, the Lord gifts me with new dreams for myself and generations of my family to come.  I never feel like I have to be perfect-  which is SO relieving and I feel completely myself WHEREVER and with WHOEVER I'm with which is such an answered prayer.  

Regardless, if you struggle like I did, Jesus is REAL and He is always waiting.

He is the only "thing" in life always WORTHY of your time and attention.

He can help you figure it out.

With Love. Always,

Crystal