"Why" I Blog: Part II - It's Okay to Self Care
As July comes to a close, I want to get more personal with you since I'll be more and more prone to mixing and mingling with some of you in the real world soon....
( Hint Hint: I'll return back to work when summer break is over.)
I. hope. my. blogging. inspires. you. to. stay. in. relationship. with. me.
I. promise. it's. still. me.
I'm really into writing on here because I had a hard heart year- last year. It was the weirdest thing for me since my heart is normally my strongest attribute. Nonetheless, as the year progressed, there was always a lingering feeling that I. just. can't. keep. up. at home.
I think the feelings of insecurity creeped up with the arrival of baby Jude. Wyatt was only 16 months old when Jude was born. Jude was born two days before Thanksgiving and five days before my oldest daughter's birthday. Ben ended his paternity leave the week after.
Then, it was back to the daily grind with NOW four little people- 1 newborn, 1 baby, and 2 toddlers.
At the time, my weekly schedule was already packed with normal, everyday tasks- meals, getting ready, work 7-5, drop off/pick up, and just my bedtime routine (Ben took over the kids at night). Even with Ben as my co-parent, at the end of the day, three kids needs always outnumbered ours.
I really didn't have time to notice it because I was too busy keeping up.
WE. were. too. busy. keeping. up.
With the arrival of Baby Jude, Ben and I were officially tanked.
We. don't. (literally). have. any. time.
As the year progressed, we grew more and more aware that meant we didn't have time for ourselves- haircuts, sleep, eating right, or even interest work (like browsing at car articles for Ben and schoolwork for me).
Then, after a marriage conference (three months after Jude was born), we sadly realized we didn't even have time for our marriage either.
Long story short- we spent the end of the year in marriage counseling- not because Ben and I are contemplating calling it quits- but because we just wanted help.
We went every week for about two months and then switched over to monthly for accountability.
Because- our life is our life- raising the kids and working...
We have to give ourselves time to improve.
This is what I learned from the process...
1. I Am Human.
It's okay for me to have emotions. It's okay for me to have needs. It's okay for my emotions to be validated because that's how sometimes I hunger to be seen. I. have. to. be. aware. of. my. physical, spiritual, and mental. needs. It's no one else's responsibility to figure it out.
If you don't know your needs, how can someone else join into your life and help.
Make time to self-care even though it's so inconvenient.
The best example I have of this currently is my Teacher Slimdown Endeavor this summer.
I signed up for a workout class with my coworkers in a health club 30 minutes away Tuesday and Thursdays. To make it to my 10 am class, I leave the house at 8:30 am and drop off the kids in two different childcare spots- one around the corner and the other in Va Beach at my parents house. Then, I go to my class. Some of those days, it's a mad dash to get the older two because they have summer camp shortly after- but, I do it because my body needs physical exercise.
The back pain and joint pain after mothering/carrying two babies the last eight months is unreal. It was probably the three pregnancies and deliveries back to back. Regardless, my body was screaming for attention and help.
So, even though it had been 7 years of no exercise, I signed up where I knew I was going to be held accountable and I make it work.
Every moment it actually works out, I. feel. great.
2. I have a Need to Speak Out.
I can't explain the itch but I really have a need to orally speak out my thoughts. If I don't speak them out, I really don't fully process them. I can't tell you the number of journals I have written the last 10 years since we moved to South Carolina. Marrying Ben is when my life started to change quickly and I really didn't know how to respond to the plaguing insecurities and questions I had through it all.
With the arrival of Reagan, I had no time to pick up the pen and write as much as I wanted- but I still had some time. With both her and Reggie, there was no time for it at all. I started journaling in the notes section of my phone. With commuting and Wyatt, my journaling days were officially over. I had turned to podcasts and audiobooks.
Wyatt turned two last week, so it had been two long years of not having an avenue to process and speak out.
NOW, through this blog, I do.
Thank you, Jesus.
It meets two needs of mine: the need to have a voice in life but also the need have some alone time.
Ben and I can't leave the house very often, but we can give each other time and space around the house. So, I do this physically alone and it's energizing.
I always thought I needed to go out, shop, or get a fancy drink to get filled up again.
But no- Just time and space- every now and then.
That's it.
3. Lastly, I learned that Developmental Practices still apply at home
I love my kids developmentally-meaning that I am very aware of their different needs and how young they truly are.
If I want my kids to be strong children of the heart, I need to afford them an actual childhood.
My newborn required attention every 2-3 hours just with feedings. My 1 year old- needs physical hugs, validated feelings, and verbal talk as he is learning how to speak. My daughter who is 5 wonders constantly about what her friends think and if she has what her friends have. My three year old is constantly anxious and scared of things in the world or about something on the TV. He has a number of nervous habits to self-soothe his thoughts and questions.
Two out of the four kids have wicked tantrums when angry.
One kid is going through a defiant, negative talk stage.
Two are potty trained and one still has occasional accidents.
Two are in diapers and 1 has repeated blow outs (poops that come out of the diaper)
They all wake up between 5:30-6:00.
They all want to be heard and talked to.
They all ask Ben and I daily- "Can you play with me?"
OR
They just scream for us repeatedly.
It's a zoo. of. children. and it's ok- because at the end of the day- I want them to be secure in being just a child.
I can't tell you how much each of my kids show me in so many actions, gestures, and words- that they want to grow up and be like us.
But, after years of watching them, I see in their little eyes how out of control they feel in their own little bodies and, in new public settings, how insecure they feel in the context of this world.
It's hard to watch over and over again. We pray to Jesus all the time and we just continue to put our time and energy in the heart work behind parenting- giving each of them according to their socio-emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental needs.
We reassure them they aren't alone in this and, mommy and daddy's job is to help them through it.
We aren't afraid to let them know we feel the same way at times and that's why we need Jesus.
Reggie likes to show his muscles and say the power of kindness and courage with Jesus.
This week was a hard week, their needs took over everything. Reagan is going to my school for Kindergarten and she has been spending the last month in a summer camp program outside of her preschool. She desperately misses her friends and is feeling insecure about meeting new friends.
She has been doing her own hair lately to express herself and feel independent. Two of the three times she did it- she was hanging with my family and wore her hair with pride. One day, the fanciest day, she wore her hair to camp. When strangers complimented her hair and she saw that they saw her hair, she freaked out and quickly asked me to take it out. She made me comb it straight and put a bow on the side. just. like. other. girls she said.
The whole scenario made me sad- not because she got shy- I know that's normal.
I.was. sad. that. she. just.wanted. to. be. like. everyeone. else.
I didn't know we were there now- but it made my heart hurt. for. her.
Baby, you are enough. just. as. you. are.
As I continued to think back about the year, I saw more and more examples of this scenario with her and Reggie. In the past, I was too busy to notice it as a problem. Or, I really didn't know it was a big problem until after this season of counseling and working on my own self-care.
I became aware that she just doesn't feel comfortable being herself or even sharing herself in all settings. Even though Ben and I constantly tell her, she's beautiful , funny, and kind. That was never enough for her in the presence of others.
It. started. to. get. REAL.
I knew these insecurities happened in the classroom, but, now raising them before school age, I. know. it's. true. even. at. home.
So. sad.
Ben and I spend most of our spare time developmentally pumping up our kids. That means a lot of time and space together at home- especially in these summer months as I'm off from school. I picked Little Gym as my kids- extracurricular summer camp and activity during the school year and in the month of August. They specialize in PLAY and boosting kids up developmentally. This is what their hearts need at this moment of time.
My kids like to go out and be entertained with movies, the zoo, cool trips, and etc. But, they feel safest and secure at home with just the family. So, we make time and space for it. It's kind of a priority. Then, when we all have to go to our designated jobs, schools, and daycare, we can feel stronger to be ourselves.
My journey of self-care made me aware of my family's need for self-care as individuals.
It is consuming of all of OUR time and energy...but- our hearts are most important.
Thanks for reading!
With Love. Always,
Crystal
If I want my kids to be strong children of the heart, I need to afford them an actual childhood.
My newborn required attention every 2-3 hours just with feedings. My 1 year old- needs physical hugs, validated feelings, and verbal talk as he is learning how to speak. My daughter who is 5 wonders constantly about what her friends think and if she has what her friends have. My three year old is constantly anxious and scared of things in the world or about something on the TV. He has a number of nervous habits to self-soothe his thoughts and questions.
Two out of the four kids have wicked tantrums when angry.
One kid is going through a defiant, negative talk stage.
Two are potty trained and one still has occasional accidents.
Two are in diapers and 1 has repeated blow outs (poops that come out of the diaper)
They all wake up between 5:30-6:00.
They all want to be heard and talked to.
They all ask Ben and I daily- "Can you play with me?"
OR
They just scream for us repeatedly.
It's a zoo. of. children. and it's ok- because at the end of the day- I want them to be secure in being just a child.
I can't tell you how much each of my kids show me in so many actions, gestures, and words- that they want to grow up and be like us.
But, after years of watching them, I see in their little eyes how out of control they feel in their own little bodies and, in new public settings, how insecure they feel in the context of this world.
It's hard to watch over and over again. We pray to Jesus all the time and we just continue to put our time and energy in the heart work behind parenting- giving each of them according to their socio-emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental needs.
We reassure them they aren't alone in this and, mommy and daddy's job is to help them through it.
We aren't afraid to let them know we feel the same way at times and that's why we need Jesus.
Reggie likes to show his muscles and say the power of kindness and courage with Jesus.
This week was a hard week, their needs took over everything. Reagan is going to my school for Kindergarten and she has been spending the last month in a summer camp program outside of her preschool. She desperately misses her friends and is feeling insecure about meeting new friends.
She has been doing her own hair lately to express herself and feel independent. Two of the three times she did it- she was hanging with my family and wore her hair with pride. One day, the fanciest day, she wore her hair to camp. When strangers complimented her hair and she saw that they saw her hair, she freaked out and quickly asked me to take it out. She made me comb it straight and put a bow on the side. just. like. other. girls she said.
The whole scenario made me sad- not because she got shy- I know that's normal.
I.was. sad. that. she. just.wanted. to. be. like. everyeone. else.
I didn't know we were there now- but it made my heart hurt. for. her.
Baby, you are enough. just. as. you. are.
As I continued to think back about the year, I saw more and more examples of this scenario with her and Reggie. In the past, I was too busy to notice it as a problem. Or, I really didn't know it was a big problem until after this season of counseling and working on my own self-care.
I became aware that she just doesn't feel comfortable being herself or even sharing herself in all settings. Even though Ben and I constantly tell her, she's beautiful , funny, and kind. That was never enough for her in the presence of others.
It. started. to. get. REAL.
I knew these insecurities happened in the classroom, but, now raising them before school age, I. know. it's. true. even. at. home.
So. sad.
Ben and I spend most of our spare time developmentally pumping up our kids. That means a lot of time and space together at home- especially in these summer months as I'm off from school. I picked Little Gym as my kids- extracurricular summer camp and activity during the school year and in the month of August. They specialize in PLAY and boosting kids up developmentally. This is what their hearts need at this moment of time.
My kids like to go out and be entertained with movies, the zoo, cool trips, and etc. But, they feel safest and secure at home with just the family. So, we make time and space for it. It's kind of a priority. Then, when we all have to go to our designated jobs, schools, and daycare, we can feel stronger to be ourselves.
My journey of self-care made me aware of my family's need for self-care as individuals.
It is consuming of all of OUR time and energy...but- our hearts are most important.
Thanks for reading!
With Love. Always,
Crystal
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