Today's Feeling: I Mourn the New Norm

Dear Readers-

Today, I had my first physical response to my. new. norm.

I. cried. uncontrollably.

I only get out of the house for the grocery run once a week which happened to be today after my OB check with the baby -who is doing well (thank you Jesus).

My parents had facetimed me over the weekend raving about some pink salted eggs (a filipino delicacy) I had picked up and gave to her weeks before- that her and all her filipino coworkers loved!

She asked me where I got it from (yes, in the middle of a global crisis- so they must have been that good) and I told her it was at the filipino store down the street near the Harris Teeter.

I laughed and said, if I go to Harris Teeter this week, I will pick some up for her.

Well, I did go to Harris Teeter,  so I went back to the filipino store.  I bought all 22 eggs for her that they had in stock.  We are in quarantine- why not! 

So, I called my dad to tell him I was on my way to drop it off.

To my surprise, when I turned into my old neighborhood, I just started tearing up at the thought of NOT BEING ABLE to SEE MY DAD and just being able to drop it off on the porch and text him I put it there.

See, I had just celebrated at their house his 78th birthday about three weeks before and I didn't know that was going to be the last time- me or the kids were going to be physically present with him for now months at a time.

Closing schools for the year  really put a time reality  to this crisis.  It was anxiety provoking when we talked weeks, but now that we are talking months- grief has officially sunk in.

EVERYTHING. is. different.

in a matter of weeks.

at the rate the virus is going-

change is happening in the matter of days...and it continuously becomes more sad, painful, and isolating.

For us adults, it's just hard to settle into- uncomfortable and still shocking.

For my kids-   they really don't comprehend what's going on.  They just miss other people.

In a time like this, I know my immediate roles through this crisis are  parent, spouse, and teacher.

I'm gearing up my heart to accept the sadness I feel for the world's ever-changing norm.

I'm gearing up for the strength and courage I'm going to have to rely on Jesus to give me- to carry my husband's, students', and children's burdens at this time.

In quiet moments, I ask the Lord-

Am I enough for all this?

And, I feel that He gently whispers back -

YOU. ARE. 

when. we. do. this. together.

At this time- alone in this crisis- is not where I want to be.

even with my kids and husband in the room- I can isolate myself with my own thoughts and feelings- replaying rapidly in my mind and heart.

I. Am. Thankful. for. My. Faith. In. Jesus.

especially in a time like this.

For a hurting world, I can trust 

NO. ONE. ELSE.

So, I know and accept all the feels right now- mostly empty, sad, and anxious.  

But, that gentle whisper,  calls me to strength and courage to do something about it.

I get peace in my heart- when I have thoughts of action.

even if its a simple prayer, idea I email and ask my principal, a discussion and apology I say to my husband, and/or a firmness in discipline that takes more effort than I want to give at the time.

Use. me. Lord.

I want to be a soldier of empathy and love at this time.

I attended my virtual bible study tonight on empathy.  They defined empathy as feeling for people. It talked about how pain can unify people together because- in hearing other's stories and feeling each other's pain- we reconcile with each other.

I do not want to be trapped in my own thoughts through this crisis and I desire to unify with the pains of my loved ones around me.  My prayer now is how- how do I love others and genuinely connect with them.  Jesus is going to carry my future plans and He carries my grieving thoughts at this very moment.

This norm won't last forever but we NEED you to help us cope with the reality of its effects on a moment to moment basis EACH. DAY.

I. Fully. Trust. You.

With Love. Always,

Crystal