Sanity Over Productivity: The Lesson My Kids Always Teach Me

Dear Readers,

Last week, I realized that my babies have officially started the mourning process of their "new norm"-even though they have had no clue that's what's going on in their hearts.

They are completely off and on- sad, bored, anxious, and angry.

Even the older ones are scared of being alone in the house- like a room away.

I've come to the conclusion that they are trying to cope with their new found insecurities.

This didn't really come to my attention easily-because (1) I'm still working and (2) I'm pregnant.  But, thank goodness, the Lord got a hold of my heart and opened my blind eyes  to see that they were hurting.

The following scenario happened last Tuesday and I couldn't ignore the fact that this pandemic was changing my children from the inside out.

 I took the kids to drop off my nephew's birthday present at my brother's house.  By the time we pulled up to my brother's house, my son, Reggie, had to pee.  So, I let the kids out and told Reggie to go into the house and use the bathroom.  

He physically freaked out when my sister-in-law opened the door.

He was SO anxious to get close to them and scared to touch anything.  I had to hold his hand and walk him into the house crying so that he could use the bathroom.  We brought over McDonalds to eat lunch with them on the driveway.  Even then, he wouldn't let anyone near him and wanted only to stay by me. Eventually, an hour and some change later, he started to warm up and would take little risks like engage in conversation and eye contact.  But, regardless, he was just unsure in a way I have never witnessed- around family He knows and loves.

At the end of that day, I couldn't help but do a heart check-  Man, what's isolation doing to my kids now?  What is this mama going to do about it?

So, I decided on a couple of things:

1.  I  am loosening up my "schedule" and routine.  Longer periods of play and exploration.  Both play and exploration makes kids feel like kids-  SO, I want them to have that self-confidence back.  I want them to feel like kids again.  If it feeds into their identity, the time is well spent.

2.  I am loosening up my school expectations for all my kids.  I'm not pushing it.  At the beginning of this pandemic, I used to homeschool them all from the 6 year old, 4 year old, and the 2 year old.  Now, Wyatt- the two year old may get a lesson once or twice a week.  Reggie- does Reading and phonics everyday  but we are moving more towards a 2xs/week lesson for math.  Reagan is enrolled in public school, so she has the most she could do, but my only goal for her is her learning packet.  If we get anything else done,  I'll consider it a bonus.
Honestly, as this thing progresses, I will push less and less of it over time because "school" is what they miss the most- from their teachers, to their friends, even their routines/songs/stories/lessons/etc.
Their mannerisms scream, "YOU are my mom, not my teacher.

3.  Lastly, I have made room in our day for their interests and ideas- as imaginative and silly they can be.  The pictures below show us collecting acorns on our walk and painting them.  Another picture is an earthworm village they made up of worms they found on the sidewalk and rescued.  The last is baking.  I hate baking, but they love it.  This particular cake took 3 hours total-to make-but its a team bonding activity all the kids like to do together.  The last picture is the kids painting  for Nana and Grandpa since Aunt Beth passed away.  They sat so happily thinking through their colors and drawings.

To validate their ideas during our Free Time block in our schedule is to rehabilitate some of those insecurities they have flooding their minds and hearts.
It's my way of reassuring them-
They are worthy, valued, and capable of being used even in a pandemic.

My job is to protect them, but also, to love them-  even if it means a little more unstructured time and space to be themselves.

I started this pandemic thinking it was just my sanity that needed to be in check to get through this.  However, call me the fool because their sanities are in jeopardy too.  As a parent, I want my children to not only survive this, but grow stronger in this and after this as well.

The biggest stressor that competes with my mothering is work.
Working at home hasn't been easy.
As stressful as my job was before the pandemic, I miss the comfort and familiarity of my classroom.
I miss the uninterrupted time and space away from home- to think and do my job.
It was just- a healthy boundary.

With that boundary blurred, any work feels overwhelming.  
I feel the drive of productivity in every quiet moment.
But, in my head, I have this image- that helps me put it in perspective.

Productivity is camped out on my front porch.
Every email, text, or call- he comes knocking on the door.
 I hear it.  I acknowledge it, but I wait to answer.

I put my kids first-carry out OUR plans- with sanity as my focal point.
Then, when they are napping or we are more settled and stable, I greet productivity at the door.

I'm not smug about our relationship.  I just gently welcome him back into my life until my kids need me again.

In the end, I don't want my kids to wait on me to notice their hurts.
I want them to know I see them completely and I'm willing to stop and do something about it.

Thanks again Jesus for showing me the truth before it was too late.

Love.  Always,
Crystal