Settling In: This is What Courage Look Likes For Me

Dear Readers,

 Ben's been exposed to positive cases at work so I just keep myself and my family away from others to moreso protect everyone else.  So, "gloved and masked" for groceries once a week is how I roll now.  Besides getting over the fact I feel ridiculous, I chuckle and smile every now and then under the mask every time my glasses fog up from breathing.

I have literally been trying all this week to write this post, but- 

 It's. been. hard.

I just didn't always feel so courageous to write about the realities of life right now.

I have been honest with myself constantly within the last week and it always leads me to the same thought. 

I'm. really. over. all. of. this.

ah.... I'll take a moment to let the freedom set in.

To be honest with my feelings at this time feels  awkwardly selfish.

But, by Wednesday, I knew it was brewing in my heart.

By Thursday, I was stewing and thinking of it constantly.

By Friday, I was just pissed.

The battle of this pandemic isn't external.

It's. literally. a. battle. of. what. lies. within.

Isolation really drives it home- literally.

I used to tend to all my business and time outside of this house and retreat at home.

Now, my home is the hub for all things.

I have a very comfortable home and neighborhood.

I consider myself blessed indeed.

However, all my struggles at this time, occur in my mind  and heart.

Thankfully Jesus got a hold of my heart by Friday night to tell me-  

I am strongest when I am whole.

Courage means making sure I'm still heard and still ME- through this crisis.

This. world. doesn't. need. me. to. lose. myself.

I got passions to love my family deeply and change the world.

I have the faith that can move mountains- even HIGH PEAKS that are trying to keep me away from self-care and creativity.

Most importantly, I have the God of the Universe whispering to me-  I. made. you. for. more. then. what. you. are. giving. the. world. right. now.

SO- I'm letting go.

Because I really do value being heard and I have strong emotions.  I have to come to terms that I NEED to be honest with my husband about them- in a serious way.  

Staying at home, pregnant, and working isn't easy under these conditions.  So, emotions will come.  I will need breaks and, this week,  we started the conversation of that being a current reality.

I LOVE my kids and really have enjoyed my time with them tremendously.  However,  we are 21 days into this pandemic and, if they are doing something they know I don't want them to do 20 days into this, they just don't care.  So, I've firmed up my discipline and consequences.  

Also, I am addressing things verbally more so now because I don't always  want them climbing up on me, eating all my food, touching my work stuff, etc.

Even though our home used to be more relaxed- that was the past.  Now, it's shared space and time unfortunately.  So, I'm more in a mindset of clear expectations and boundaries again in love.  We have to completely reset what those things are for us again to truly care for ALL of us at this time.

Lastly, I have to settle into the fact that I mourn not being able to teach.  Being in isolation makes me acutely aware that teaching and thinking of learning was a BIG outlet for me.

My work in teaching is an avenue I didn't recognize as me being heard.

Yesterday, I took my passion back and made myself a little office in my closet with a nightstand table and a chair from the guest room.

I put a child proof door knob guard on the door and I spent hours working on learning packets and curriculum alignment.

It was refreshing and relieving.

By the end of the night, I started to feel more like myself again.

 I went into this pandemic like this picture of my son and I playing basketball.  I wanted to stand between him and the world- letting him guard what he already has- knowing he's unsure and scared through it all.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that- I've been faithful with the task and will continue to be.

However, mama still has game too-as you can see in the picture below.  And, I think it's okay for me to still take some breaks and make some choices for myself at this time so I can still BE myself.

*  I love the look of my kids in this picture.  It reminds me that I can bring them joy when I model action in front of them.  In times like these, glimpses of joy are glimpses of hope.  So, I'll keep pursuing wholistic  living for all of us.

Whatever. that. may. mean.

Wish me luck on a start of another week!

Happy Easter everyone!

Love. Always,

Crystal