Home Heart Makeover

 This is my last weekend of maternity leave and I return back to full time virtual teaching Monday. I’ve been anxious about this since Miles was born because the job has been very overwhelming and tiresome. But, I made a conscious decision a few weeks back to silence my talk more and trust in God.  At that time, my life was burdened with new fears and more anger as I transitioned back to work and welcomed a new baby to our family.  Work- virtual teaching- was 10xs harder than I expected it to be.  Managing the workload, parent communication, and  live teaching sessions- alone at home- was an instant struggle.  Home, work, and family boundaries were becoming more blurred- which, in terms of self-care, triggered some red flags in my mind and heart.   

Five days earlier than expected, I was surprised with the arrival of my son, Miles.  Welcoming a newborn to your home- like always- slows down your current state of life.  If you are willing to accept it for what it is, it can be a refreshing time of new life and new beginnings.

Jesus, thank you for this season.

In my time away from work with a new life constantly in my arms, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and think.  Covid changed me and I didn’t even realize it.  After being a mom, wife, and teacher in constant crisis-mode, I became a frail, reactionary, fearful, and anxious human being.  It was only in silence- away from all the noise of life- that I realized how affected my home and heart had become through the changes.  

I write this post to say- No More.

Before Covid, my family saw our home as a sanctuary- a place we retreated to after a week of scheduled activities.  In Covid, it became a relief shelter. It seemed like the whole world shut down and your home was the only place to be safe in.  Weeks turned into months and, at least for us, the status never changed until the kids returned to school and I returned to work.  When that happened, everyone was now leaving the house onto new adventures except for me.  I thought I was doing the same, but, since work was at home, it really didn’t feel like I ever transitioned out of crisis mode.  I told myself I wasn’t crisis teaching anymore, but my personal life still felt like it was in crisis.

Lots of changes all of the time and no help for the weary…

Then, I had Miles.  When Miles came, I finally got to transition into a life outside of the effects of Covid.  I got to hold, care, and love an innocent, pure soul.  You don’t get much sleep in this stage of life so you quickly learn that rest comes from the Lord.  So, my home became a place to pray, think, read, learn, and trust again.  It’s been three weeks alone with Miles now and I feel more whole- more like myself.  Because this healing came from being at home, I’m not too worried about starting work again.  My place- even my teaching space- is restored as a place of wonder, dreams, plans, ideas, and creativity.  For this healing, I am grateful. 

My battered, burn out heart  was also a problem that added to my anxiety.  I mourned the job I used to have in the classroom and I missed being surrounded by other people.  The sedentary life behind the screen for hours fueled anger and despair inside of me only because I miss being the teacher I once was allowed to be.  Now, I live a sedentary life  holding a sleeping baby for hours and I feel renewed by it.  If God can do that to my usually dreaded newborn season, He can make all things new- including the job.  That is my hope for Monday and the rest of the school year.  I hope God makes it new and I find joy in my time with it.  Miles has refueled my heart to love again.  It is ridiculous how giddy I get to snuggle and cuddle my little man.  At first, I was disappointed that he was just like his brothers and sister- wanting to be held all the time.  But, now, at the end of my leave, I am so thankful for it.  He forced me to take the time to care for myself so I could better care for his life as well.  

I needed his little cries to push me to care for myself again.

Now, with Miles in hand, I am a better version of myself to care for others.  I am hopeful and excited to continue this season at home-working and loving- my family, friends, colleagues, and students in new ways.

Home-making and Peace-making are my end goals for 2020.

Lord, keep me optimistic, prayferful, and kind in all the new endeavors ahead.

Love. Always,

Crystal