The Torture of Being MisUnderstood: My Untold Story

 Dear Readers,

          I picked up Ben's devotional on April 5 and  it. spoke. to. me deeply.- 

         It had said this..

        "Have you ever had an experience with someone who had a wrong perception of you?  When you heard what that person thought of you, were you shocked to hear it?  Did you wonder, How could anyone every think something like that about me?

         The more well-known you become, the more that people hear all kinds of rumors about you-most of which are completely untrue.  You know how rumors work.  When one person hears a rumor, he passes it along to another person, who then repeats it to someone else-and so it goes from one person to the next, growing more and more ridiculous with each telling.  Finally, an entire story is being told that has no truth in it whatsoever; unfortunately, when people hear it, they believe it!"

I recently received feedback from a job interview that shared what some people thought of me in terms of how I come across when sharing my ideas and input on the job.

In the end- the main feedback was- 

I am overwhelming.

Unexpectedly, this feedback has really triggered lots of emotion inside of me because...

 I realized how much I  have felt misunderstood most of my life.

In my pursuits of self-care, blogging, publishing a book, and even going back to school, I thought my endeavors would help "put myself out there" in ways where I would be more understood by others.  But, it seems the more opportunities I take on and succeed in, the more I leave myself vulnerable to be misunderstood and taken the wrong way.

Regardless of this delayed realization,  God really has had mercy and grace in my life to keep  calling me to give and serve groups of people unseen and forgotten.

These last few years, I have felt like I've experienced my personal best- emotionally, relationally, mentally, and spiritually.   Knowing that I am. fully.  my STRONGEST self at this time means  that-

The. world. is. just. not. used. to. a. person. like. me.

I. was. destined. to. be different.

Today, I choose to move forward with  my life knowing that truth  is a compliment

rather than a challenge.

If you have enjoyed this blog- know that I plan not to take it down anytime soon.  I read them myself from time to time to remind me of who I really am.  

Moving forward though, I will not continue to write posts after this one.

In fact, I end this post as a tribute to my best friend, Stephanie, the only earthly relationship where I felt fully known  in the realm of my ideas and deep thoughts.  

Out in public, we were so different in our backgrounds, schedules, interests, and actions.  However,  in matters of the heart and soul, we were so much alike.  In the most insecure moments or the hardest of times,  she would be able to comfort me and tell me what I needed to hear.  She didn't always agree with me, but she tracked with me fine.

I lost her when she was 21 to a sudden heart attack just weeks after buying my bridesmaid dress for her wedding and a week before we could have celebrated her birthday. 

Death has had it's stamp on me since her passing and, unknowingly, I've been searching for ways to feel known and accepted the way she would make me feel.

No. one. has. come. CLOSE. yet.

SO, I know my guardian angel is irreplaceable.

Since remembering her story and all the struggles/strife  she had gone through, I remember my WHY behind my pursuits to advocate and serve marginalized groups of people.

  Both Stephanie and I lived lives constantly misunderstood by others because we constantly lived our lives-out in public- under the constant control of other people.  Other people's judgements and approval had an overwhelming power over us.  So, we would just let people do things to us or we would do things for other people -even if we felt hurt or wronged inside.

After the fact, we would confess and confide in each other behind closed doors.  We were each other's comfort and safe space.  Living that secret life with her- is the reason why I have a heart for the hurting, silenced, and easily forgotten.  

When she passed, I vowed to live a life- where I don't allow that in my life anymore.  Also, I vowed to seek out and serve other people who hurt behind closed doors-  in whatever capacity that may be.

Sixteen years later, Stephanie,  it's easier said than done- but, I think I'm living that vow out today and I have to work hard to protect it in the future.

 Professionally, I don't know what the future holds for me and where I will go.  But, I know my unique thoughts and ideas- do have a place in this world.  I'll just make sure I am more cautious and aware on how and when I share them.

Stephanie, my angel, please know that being known by you freed me to actually live my life.  I can't wait until we get to meet again!  I know that you will love Ben and the kids.  RIP.

Thanks for reading and visiting!

Love. Always,

Crystal