Self-Realization

Source:  Dictionary.com

 Dear Readers,

I'm back!

I shy-ed away from this blog for the last almost seven months because I was rattled by the fact that...

My. life. was. *publicly.* changing. in. front. of. others. 

Since I started this blog...

Since I finished my book...

Since I went back to school...

Since I embarked in internships and new job experiences...

I was sharing more of myself into the world's atmosphere.

The emotions have been mixed throughout the whole journey.  Feelings of being creative, innovative, excited, hopeful, joyful, anxious, discouraged, scared, and frustrated have become real to me on a daily basis. Navigating through Covid's changes in personal, professional, and spiritual endeavors has been exhausting and ever-changing.  But, I can't seem to shake off the constant inner voice that asks: 

What is my overall purpose for life?

Am I living life to my full potential?

 For months, I have been growing more aware of where I invest my worth, time, and money.

The answers to those questions weren't always pretty to realize.

But, the process of realization has been powerful, nonetheless.

Here are the things I had realized:

     1.    MARGIN.  When in relationship with others (marriage, parenting, work, friends, and/or school), margin is a very important boundary to give yourself.   Even in marriage and parenting, no one person can keep up with loving others constantly or consistently without loving themselves in the process first.  I think of the analogy of a water hose and a garden bed.  The garden bed is dependent on the water hose, but only if it has water flowing from it.  My people are dependent on my care only if it has love flowing through it.  If love is not there, I am only hurting myself and the other person(s) I am in relationship with.  Any good natured person can easily fall into the trap of good intentions rather than genuine care.  Also, leave a human burnt out enough- all reality seems distorted.

For me, margin has always looked the same:  time and space to be me in thoughts, feelings, ambitions, and actions.  Sometimes, my margin will be a mix of time I put out for myself to blog; run errands on my own; schedule an activity that only I care about; or put out time for a project I want to do.  Crisis living post Covid has stolen my margin out of my life the last almost two years.

But, with God's mercy and grace,  I have an opportunity to weave margin back into my life with steady before and after school care with my two eldest children this winter.   In addition, I am pursuing higher degrees in education that can offer more flexibility in time and pay that would  best serve my family  in the long run.  

     2.   LIFE PLANS.  Life plans were made to be adjusted.   If you are Christian and you confess that God is Lord of your life:

Why is it still a shock  that you don't control your life's plans?

Ha- it. makes. me. have. a -"Duh"- moment. every. time!

 Especially, in Covid, I am constantly aware of a higher power at work.  The words typical or normal doesn't apply to most circumstances these days.  All plans are preliminary until proven effective.  Even then, it's just a matter of time before plans pivot or change.  We are surviving off  of the constant cycle of new innovations and problem-solving experiences.  Sometimes, we will encounter realistic expectations and sometimes we will not.  Have grace, always.  Step back and think first.  PRAY.  Act in a ways that loves others.  Hold yourself accountable to only what is humanly possible.  Honor and respect authority placed above you.   Listen and encourage others in the change process.  Know that- there is always an end in sight.

EVEN, if that end leads to failure-

Have heart, 

weak and weary Christian, 

that is where God allows us to boast in His power and not our own!

In the Bible, you read lots of stories about trials and tribulations recorded all throughout the book.  But, alongside those stories, you read tales of courage, victory, strength, and overcoming faith.  As long as I let God adjust my life plans by fully trusting Him with my life, my story can end in victory like the many heroes of faith I have read about in the Bible.

My life plans are adjustable because I live for Christ.  He has specific purposes and promises for my life here on Earth.  I believe in them and, now, I walk in them.

I just don't always know what each day has for me, but I am fully aware of what His peace feels like!

When I am in His will, that is when I experience it the most!

3.  SELF-CRITICISM.  I have recently succumb to the power of self-criticism in a self-defeating way.  Don't worry- I didn't stay in this place for long! But, changes were happening so rapidly at home and work, so I kept doubting everything about myself constantly.   To me, the 3 "i"s in the word criticism stood for the following statements. 

 I'm not good enough!    I am not doing it right!   I don't belong!

After the fact, I know these statements are NOT true, but I have been

 constantly battling with these thoughts in my head- in recent weeks.  

Self-criticism is deadly.

Unlike Nike, -just don't  do it.

My cycle of self-criticism ended after I accepted another teaching job at a local Title 1 primary school in my city.  When I listened to myself, I thought I could never return to the classroom and be an effective teacher again  because of family needs.  However, due to new family circumstances, it was important for me to return to higher-paying work.  I was discouraged to face my fears head on again, but then I realized I had been subbing in multiple classrooms the last few weeks and survived just fine.

If the Lord called me back into the classroom...

 He thinks of me as far more capable than I think of myself. 

So, I believed in His thoughts of me before my OWN- for the first time in a long time.

I. instantly. felt. loved.

When I accepted the teaching job- I automatically felt new.

I am no longer bound to my self-criticism and I am back on track to living to my full potential.  

With margin keeping me sane; life plans adjusted by Jesus; and self-criticism behind me...

I feel like myself  again.

Thank goodness!

I thank the good Lord for restoring my heart to write and share my story again.  May these posts serve and honor You.

Thanks for reading!

With Love. Always,

Crystal