Confessional Post: When Mom Guilt Holds Me Back...

 Dear Readers,

This was the 1st picture Ben took of me to document "Quaratine 2022." 

This  is the 2nd picture He took of me after he reminded me to "Look Happier" haha

This post reminds me that:

 Mom guilt doesn't belong in me.

I have struggled with mom guilt for a long time- even before having a baby.  Since it took about two years for me to get pregnant, I always beat myself up that the problem was always- me.  Even after those two years, I blamed infertility on working too hard at my job and being too stressed out.  

Having babies and kids, only heightened the self-criticism.   Now, I have dependents- other humans who literally required my care and attention to provide for their needs.  On top of that, I was now categorized  as mom, so I entered into a new world of social norms.  Ben and I have never really fit any social norms in the past as individuals, a couple, or professionals.  So, I don't know why I thought I would fit any "mom" norms as well,  but, for years, I guess I've been trying.  

Whether they were working mom norms, teacher mom norms; mom-wife norms, or active mom norms, I had been critical of myself in "keeping up" with all of it.   This last season of life really humbled me to know that those norms are not healthy for me.  

I can't let it be an idol in my life ever. 

 I must live my life led by (1) the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and (2) the guidance of biblical truth.  This is not a new revelation for me that God is in control, but it's a peaceful reminder that He truly exists .  So, like all things Ben and Crystal, even my mothering will look different here on Earth than most people, but it represents what God is doing within ME and how He wants  ME to love my family. 

My mothering is only a portion of who God created me to be as daughter and woman.  Really, that's the thought I struggle with daily in this season. 

I. have. to. remember. I. have. other. parts. of. me. 

  I've been consumed by mothering through Covid and its many responsibilities in it.  For almost the last two years, I have seen it steal time away from caring for myself, my husband, and spending time with God.  Though things are nowhere near close to normal, I feel the Lord is letting me know it's time to let go and let God handle it from here.  Recently, school choice is something God has handled for us through prayer and the Holy Spirit's discernment.  

Another thing that surprised me is that God has been my Sovereign Puzzle Master.  I questioned all of it- returning to work as a teacher, continuing school, and returning to blogging.  However, He picked the right team and school for me.  Then, he continuously meets me in my studies. Lastly, He gave me back my blog.  Blogging is my outlet to still have a voice in this world where no one has time to talk in person.   While I was interning, blogging seemed like a conflict of interest.  So, I stopped, but, now that I have returned to teaching,  blogging continues to be a big portion of my self-care routine.

In essence, I reaquainted myself with the following truths:

God. is. who. He. says. He is.

He is. ALL. KNOWING. 

He. is. ALL. LOVING.

He is worthy to trust and rely on.

He reminds me that-

I'm a good mom, but that's not all that I am.

For that, I am thankful.

I fully trust you, Lord.  Keep molding me.  

Thanks for reading!

Love. Always,

Crystal